Come fly with me.

It's funny when i think about the times where i actually want to talk to people on plane flights and then of course I'm as quiet as a corpse with the people that sit down around me. But then there's those times when I don't even think about who I'm going to sit next to and what i should talk about because I’m just doing my own thing, completely unaware of the world that's taking place around me. Here I have this pretty empty flight where I'm actually looking forward to having a row to my self where I can catch a few Z's....  And then there's that young college grad in dark denim, a pullover sweater and sperry's that asks me if the end seat by me is taken.  Of course it's not, because if it was someone would already be sitting in it.

 I find it literally hilarious that people ask such weird questions that have undoubtedly obvious answers. Right off the bat this guy has already made me laugh inside. Let me finish the picture I have begun in your mind by saying that the black ray banz glasses not only compliment his almond eyes but they bring out the "I'm cute and stylish in a nerdy kind of smart way". So much evaluation from less than a minute of interaction. Oral communication really isn't needed in this instance. I'm already thinking "okay so he must of graduated or he wouldn't look so good and judging by the computer backpack and smartphone that he has he must have a solid job that pays the bills and for his sperry's he's currently wearing.  Now this next part I'm only thinking to inflate myself. I'll just be honest here...cause honesty is the best policy. No need to lie to myself. The thought may have crossed my exhausted mind that he asked to sit in the same row as me because he thinks I'm cute and my stand offish body language all throughout the airport may come off as a lingering mystery to him.

But this could go two ways.

Option b is that he could be thinking alright I'll go sit next to lonely girl with her face in a book cause ‘she"ll be quiet and won't bug me.’

I mean that's equally valid too.

 At this point it's not established enough to know which it is.

With it being valentines day and all, the airlines of course offers a complimentary valentines day card that of course are the rejects from the year before. You know it's bad when the card is pepto-pink and there's two kitty-cats on the front. I mean good grief that card is screaming  "someone please just use me like a street corner!  I can't get stuck in that box anymore!". It’s a sad case.

I of course don't take one, and of course he does. Hmm, what does this say about him? Yup still haven't figured that out yet. However, he then says to me: "I'm surprised you didn't take one "

I just smiled and honestly had nothing to say... He goes on "you know for like your mom or something".    "well I have already sent my mom a card so that's why..." I have a genuine smile because his accent, it's just funny. It's not hick or really thick, but I don't know it's simply just cute and reminds of a classic Ralph Lauren southern kind of guy that his mama has raised up well.

I'm sitting here with my book open and highlighter in hand.  I mean business and with my pashmina and fur sweater Im saying i could care less about smokey the bear if he makes me a pretty coat.  I look comfortable but I'm also saying I dare you to try and talk to me.  I'm a woman of few words when it comes to plane flights amongst the strangers.  It's almost as if my goal is to see if someone will actually try and hold a conversation with me amidst my intimidation factor.  It's seems as if it’s always the seemingly nice, put together boy that takes a stab at me.

Well he did and it worked.  He's officially impressed me with his "I don't take no for an answer" attitude.

I mean really how many things can you talk about when a stubborn level headed girl is only responding and not digging for something else to ask in order to continue carrying on a conversation?  I'm quite comfortable with the dying off of a conversation because looky here, my book is yelling at me saying I have 30 more pages to read and take notes on, so by all means, please be boring.

Quite frankly I’m tired today and find it entertaining to watch him scrounge around for things to say.  Its cruel but not unusual punishment. It's purely comical.  I see my life as a movie and these types of scenes always make me laugh when I rewind and then play them in my head.

My smile says that you are worth smiling at and I think you're funny In a cute kind of smart way.  To me, a guy really does not have to be that impressive in the "check out my six-pack department" but if he can make me do more than a pity laugh I promis I can find lots of things attractive about him.  Make me laugh and you've won me...but just partially. I will now 'partially' pay attention to you. If I could italicize that then i would.

How many things can you honestly comment on without making it completely obvious that you want to talk? Well lets see....

1. ‘Did you know the new iphone5 is coming out this summer?’

Really? Cause i just so happen to be an avid mac user and I get emails when new things are going to come out... Haven't received that one yet.  Good try. Fail.

2. "Do you happen to know what time this flight arrives?"

No I actually don't. Why don't you pull out you're itinerary wise guy... It probably says ‘arrival time’ right on it in bolded black letters.  But no, I act like I'm thinking by looking up to the ceiling while tilting my head, attractively squinting my eyes and pursing my lips... I'm really getting into making him think that I'm really trying to remember. But i don't know! So I then slowly say, "actually no I don't, maybe like 9?" I then put my seatbelt on and then look up and kindly tell him "they typically announce it before we take off" I mean that could of completely offended him cause i probably made him feel like somewhat of an idiot but that's not my concern. I was answering his question to the best of my ability. Your welcome.

3.what music are you listening to?

I fully hate this conversation cause it's practically the same with everybody... We can agree on genres but why even talk about bands? We never know each others local bands anyways...so what's the point?

Exactly. You just agreed with me as you read that. I'm right.  However there are exceptions. Sometimes the music talk is really a sha-bang conversation. That's rare though.

This was a sha-bang.

Really. It's no lie.

He asked, I agreed-then asked, he answered with all the 'right' answers. (that's another italicize) same music interests. That's rare cause I'm a weirdo when it comes to my souls taste in what it likes.

So that was a win.

But this is where he really went wrong...

4.'those are big boots'

Um...would you like to rewind the past 5 seconds and rephrase that question? Or maybe just dont say anything at all cause you just said some thing that you apparently know nothing about. I wear a 7.5 in women's you ding head! I have small feet!! The average women's shoe size is a 9, so you very apparently are dumb and I kind of don't like you now. I was giving you a solid chance but you offended me and now I'm simply done with you. Ipod on and headphones in with the "my eyes are closed don't bother me" expression.

One of my 'go-to' favorites.

Embarrassingly enough it didn't help when I spilt my complimentary beverage all on my lap. I blew it off pretty nicely I might add and he was sweet enough to hit the call button and ask me if I would like some more water. I mean really that was sweet. So ehh yeah still kind of offended about the boot comment.

Back to being stand offish and doing my own thing. Things are back into where they should rightfully be placed.

Blissfully lonely and now im writing about it. Ahh the life...sarcasm sensed? Good.

One last bit...

5."this is the longest flight everrr"

Okay stop it im dying laughing inside.

Win.

cleaning the surface to reach the depths.

I sat down and wandered what I should do.
Quite frankly I saw only one option. I had to delete my blog and start a new one. A clean slate, with the purpose of starting over and writing whatever I want.  However, I then realized that there is a second option, and it's this:  I can't just start over.  I guess in some ways I can but ultimately there is no clean slate. 
La tabula rasa isn't real.
To start over means that the slate has to be completely wiped off and clean. Well that's not reality.  Unless I was in an accident and somehow took a blow to the head so hard that I forgot everything.  Amnesia. A disadvantage in the eyes of those who don't have it and a blessing to those who do.  They are the ones with the opportunity. They are the ones who truly get to start over.  They have it easy in some senses and most definitely harder in others. 
However, that's all beside the point. My actual reason for saying all of this is to point to the fact that I'm not a clean slate. Things happen and they are all there in a giant collage of my life.  As I get older and I move to different areas of my life the collage just gets bigger.  
The collage is the timeline called my life. 
It's a book that's filled with the best of times, and the the deepest darkest moments of times. That's why it's a book.  There are good and bad parts to every book I have ever read.  That's what keeps you intrigued into reading more; because as you're reading through bad moments, you're subconsciously hoping that there is a happy ending to the story.  Human beings crave happiness.  They long for it, and if they can't reach self-fulfillment in their own life than they try and get a glimpse of it through other things like reading romance novels and by watching romantic comedies with a tissue box at their side.  
So this timeline...this collage...this book. It's mine.  I can't change it.  I can't erase the unerasable. I can't forget the unforgettable. 
So no, I refuse to be a blank slate.  
I refuse to conform to the idea of choosing to see someone as invisible.
It's unrealistic and you will realize that within time, but for now, with my collage, and with my book, I choose to end the most difficult chapter thus far, and instead start a new one. 
A fresh, clean, no expectations chapter.
In some ways it could be seen as a blank slate, but if you look under the surface you will realize that I couldn't start this chapter unless I read the one before it.
Excitement and happiness overwhelm me. 
I'm enveloped in the security of the Lord.  I never understood the feeling of security until the things that were heavily insecure in my life were lifted from me.  Only now do I understand what that is.  Never will I ever go back to feeling insecure. It's simply not worth it.  
True security is only through the Lord Jesus Christ.  
So here we are, here I am, writing to myself as a bystander that's reading a story of someone that I pretend not to know, when really I'm the one doing the reading and the writing. Some may say that this is pointless, however, I see it as physical evidence of my feelings and thoughts at one point in time of my  life.  Read if you wish, or discard if you do not wish.  I won't be offended.  
This is my story and I will write it in a way that is enjoyable for me to look back and read with a smile on my face at how ignorant, comical, and how deep my depth of thought was at a certain time.  


These posts will be different from my last couple.  It will be whatever I want it to be.  So there you go. I answer your question by not giving you an answer. 
Now you can't have a false expectation and therefore I can't disappoint you.
genius.

Capsizing the Catamaran.

If I could have one last conversation it would be this...

How could you lie to my face?

How could you tell me that you went to spend the rest of your life with me and then say you aren't sure if you want to be with me.

Why are you so afraid?

Why do you continue to hold back when you know that nothing good comes from it?

How could you do this again?

How could you be so two faced?

How could you break your promises?

You have left me no choice but to walk away...forever.

I want NOTHING to do with you.

How could you hurt me not once, but twice?  How could you honestly do that?

Your indecision and lack of confidence in what you yourself have told me makes you someone that i can never trust or be friends with.

You have hurt me beyond belief and I hope you know that when I walked away, it wasn't just from the situation in that moment, i walked away from you forever.

I walked away and haven't looked back... And I'm not going to.

I'm confident in my decision and I choose to wait for someone who will say that they care for me, and then proves it in their actions.

When all is stripped away all you have is your word and that needs to be followed by actions.
....And it wasn't in your case.

But I do have you to thank you Thomy...
Thank you that I don't have to question you anymore.
Thank you that I don't have to try so hard anymore.
Thank you that I don't have to worry anymore.
Thank you that i don't have to be afraid that you're going to walk away at any moment.
Thank you because I now know everything that I want and don't want in a relationship.
Thank you for hurting me twice so now I can never go back.
Thank you for relieving me of so much stress.
Thank you for confirming what people have told me.
Thank you for not wasting any more of my time.
Thank you for not being a factor in my future that I have to worry about.
Thank you for a chance to start fresh and brand new.
Thank you for teaching me that people will fail you.
Thank you because when that special someone comes around I will know if he truly loves me because he will prove it and he will give me no reason to doubt, but instead every reason to trust  him in his words AND his actions.
Thank you for making me even stronger.
Thank you for reminding me that God is always there for me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know.... The second time around doesn't hurt as bad...lucky me.
I am sorry for you.
I truly am. You are so afraid that I'm scared that you will never make yourself happy.
You have lost any and all opportunity with me.
I could never be so foolish to fall for you again.
What you have done is so despicable that I can't bring myself to want to look your direction.
I wish you good health, good luck, and I pray that you will one day be a man who stays true to his word and above all true to the Holy Spirit that is within you.

What was it inside you that love never satisfied? 

The thin thread that held you... How did it come untied?

The grace you only ran from, the bridges that you burned.

The peace of mind you learned to live without.

I hope you found it now.

I hope you found it now.

The burdens that you carry and all of your mistakes... 

You were looking for a place to lay them down.

I hope you found it now.

I hope you found it now.

--Jason Walker

I promise that i will forgive you in time.
But until then....
Don't talk to me.
Don't look at me.
Don't smile at me.

We are done.



Goodbye. Ciao. Adios.

The Melting of My Heart

 These past few months have been some of the most confusing times for me. I have, and am still turning to Christ for my satisfaction and Im learning to rely on Him.  

He gives me peace.

He gives me love.

He gives me hope.

He gives me a future.

He gives me joy.

He gives me grace.

He is steadfast.

He is all knowing.

HE IS LOVE.

My soul awaits in Him and I rest in the shadow of His wings. 

I've become comfortable knowing that everything in life with regards to that certain someone out there can be so confusing that when Im at the point of tears and I just want to scream out of frustration and confusion... that I can find my quiet place and pray to God and find comfort.  His word is kept close at all times for that is what I find comfort in.  Its challenging, but I know that if God takes everything away, that I will just as I am for I have Christ and that is everything. That's all I need.  Now do I love my friends and the people around and away from me?  

Absolutely.

But that is not what I find my identity in.

Christ is THE One.

The ONLY One.

Honestly these past couple weeks I just desire to be with Christ so that I can worship him at my home.

 My eternal home. 

    That is what I long for ultimately.

        To kneel at the feet of God and to worship Him is what I           long for.  

May my prayer like incense rise before you.

The lifting of my hand a sacrifice

Oh Lord Jesus turn your eyes upon me

For I know there is mercy in your sight.

Your statutes are my heritage forever.

My heart is set on keeping your decrees.

Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion.

Let love keep my veil upon its knees.

Oh God you are my God.

And I will ever Praise you.

Oh God you are my God.

And I will ever praise you.

Now in all of this, in my satisfaction in Christ and me being at peace with the confusing things going on in my life, God gives me someone whom I don't deserve and that makes no sense to me. 

I mean I'm satisfied in Christ...

What more could I ask for?

    Ever asked the why God question when really-really good things happen?

I've been asking that question for the last 20 hours. 

Why God do I deserve this?

How do I deserve this?

Why when you can make me empty in the flesh but satisfied in the depths of my soul would you still give something that I don't necessarily need?

Let me say this, God is awesome and his blessings are truly abundant.

I feel so extraordinarily blessed at this moment and I have no words to say except for thank you Jesus.

I thank Him for sending His Son.

I thank Him for taking me back when I stab Him in the back.

I thank Him for giving me someone that has surpassed anything that I ever imagined.  I have dreamed for the longest time that someone make me feel like I was on top of the World, and this person has. This guy loves me, and he really wants to be with me.  He poured his heart out to me and I was just speechless. I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say except for 'How great is our God' to give me someone that 'woos' me.  

Christ does things that don't make sense in the moment that they take place.  I don't understand why Christ has allowed someone to feel this way about me. Like I just can't help but think how can he even see through all my sin these awful things that I am.  

But no... he sees what God sees in me and its not the fleshly aspects.  He sees Christ in me and that's the biggest compliment I could ever recieve.

Today I woke up asking God why me and why right now?

and I will go to bed asking the same question, but also praising God for this blessing and this gift that he has given me.

God's timing is incredible.

Trust in Christ and in his mysterious acts.

We will never understand the mind of the Lord and He is full or surprises as well.

While I feel like the luckiest girl in the entire world, let me just say that I am so happy. I am so happy. And to see that a conclusion has finally been reached and that the confusion has come to an end, I am relieved, and 

I will continue to rest in the shadow of his wings.  

God is almighty.

The petals have fallen.  Well all except for one, as God plucks it off the flower, he shows me and I can't help but smile...

God always knows the desires of my heart.

Seek God. Love Others.

The Daily Dose.

Why does it always surprise me when I feel like life is hard?  
It's seriously like I'm shocked by it or something.  
Why is that?  
My answer to that question (now that the day is practically over) is that it's God's constant reminder to me that I can't do things on my own.  Honestly, depending on God for the long term things are easier for me to do then then the day-to-day things. 

Why is that?  

Again... I don't know.

However, I am so broken by God at a time like this. 
Right now.
Just sitting on my bed pondering what the day was like and how much I need to do... and I begin to put all of these pressures onto myself and then I realize that I DO NOT need to that.
God is been through it all!  How long will it take me to realize that God is ABLE.  
HE IS ABLE
HE IS ABLE
HE IS ABLE
HE IS ABLE
When will I stop depending on myself to finish my to-do list?
Im so disappointed at myself because I know that it's wrong for me to give everything to God. But I do it without even thinking and that's what frightens me.
I NEED TO TRUST IN GOD not just for the big things in life, but the little ones as well.
Proverbs 3:5 is so clear. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your HEART, and lean not on your understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

My desire is to serve the Lord and to be fruitful so that in all ways I can be glorifying to Christ. My duty here on Earth is to bring Him all the glory that I possibly can and today I failed so miserably. Today was such a humbling and Im so thankful for the holy spirt in that He instilled in me the conviction that I was not trusting in the Lord today. 
 "Be anxious over nothing"

Tomorrow I get the opportunity to try this again.  

My focus for tomorrow is

 2 Peter 1:5 

"Make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self control, and self control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love."

Until next time,

I'll be constantly seeking and striving for HIM.

Colossians 3:2

My Utmost for HIS Highest.

2 Corinthians 4:1-2 -- 

"THEREfore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart.  But we have RENOUNCED THE HIDDEN THINGS OF DISHONESTY."  

As I stop and think about my thoughts, there are so many things that are hidden from the light in my heart.  Bad thoughts about people that I never say out loud are hidden things of dishonesty.  
Things like envy, strife, and jealousy all arise in my mind and they are sinful thoughts.  


Romans 6:19 reassures us of our sinful nature: 

"I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations.  For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification."  

This is so reassuring!  We sin because because its our nature. However, we can do things to control our thoughts and to set ourselves apart from those that are still slaves to sin. 

1 Peter 4:2 tells us that 

"Since Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the WILL OF GOD.   

It is so reassuring to me to know that God has rescued us from that bondage that we once had to sin!  No longer am I bound to that, now I'm bound to God and that means I must live that out!
In a world that is filled with the most that one could imagine, we must

Maintain a continual watchfulness so that nothing of which you would be ashamed of arises in your life.

I am:

Gods child.

That is my identity and my goal in life is to live that out to the fullest.

my UPMOST for HIS  highest.

Thats what we should strive for. Living to serve the God who gave up everything for some lowly humans that give him nothing in return.

Serve. Love. Devote.

And The Walls Just Keep Tumbling Down.

The feeling that everything will be okay.
Im the kind of person that has never wanted to get hurt and so I build these walls up to defend my self. To protect me from heartbreak. Of course this is all involved with relationships. It's always about relationships.  Whether it be your best friends, your boyfriend, your parents, (etc.) You get my drift. We are all prone to getting hurt in all of our relations...

and thats a scary thought

I have always had that felling that I was 

going to get hurt by a guy.

especially with those guys that you know

are bad news.

They're out there and  when you feel like

it's getting to the point when they're going

to hurt you, you build up the walls so as not 

to have heartbreak. 

I think that people now days just want to feel

love

and so they build walls but

so many times they let them 

FALL DOWN, all so that they can feel something.

Its sad really.

But when love is real, you're not afraid.

I mean real as in it's genuine. 

<GENUINE LOVE>

It's real and does exist. 

Don't think that for a second that love is easy.  

No part of it is easy.  

If it were, more people would have it. 

Most people try so hard because they're looking for something or someone to fill that space in their hearts and lives that longs to have someone next to them.  

People have needs, we were created for relations, fellowship, in essence just to be with others.

Love with man can not fill that void. 

But I know who can.

He devours the wicked.

He slays the evil.

He reigns.

He is a King.

THE KING of KINGS.

The Alpha and the Omega.

He is to be feared.

He is all knowing.

He can devour you in the blink of an eye.

He is not to be trifled with.

He is scary. 

But His love, well it's like the wind.

You can't see it, but you can feel it.

My life is a reflection of his sovereign hand an the blessings that have been abundant because of his love for me.

If you haven't been successful with your love with people. Look to the ONE who can actually more than love. He can give you eternity.

Love is more than just letting those walls come down.

Love is patient

Love is kind

It does not envy

It does not boast

It is not arrogant

It is not rude

It does insist on its own way

It is not irritable 

It is not resentful

It does not rejoice at wrongdoing

It rejoices with the truth

Love bears all things

Love believes all things

Love hopes all things

Love endures all things

LOVE NEVER FAILS

Trust and wait in the Lord and he will renew your strength. 

'The Grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of the Lord stands forever'

Isaiah 50:8

...shine on