I sat down and wandered what I should do.
Quite frankly I saw only one option. I had to delete my blog and start a new one. A clean slate, with the purpose of starting over and writing whatever I want. However, I then realized that there is a second option, and it's this: I can't just start over. I guess in some ways I can but ultimately there is no clean slate.
La tabula rasa isn't real.
To start over means that the slate has to be completely wiped off and clean. Well that's not reality. Unless I was in an accident and somehow took a blow to the head so hard that I forgot everything. Amnesia. A disadvantage in the eyes of those who don't have it and a blessing to those who do. They are the ones with the opportunity. They are the ones who truly get to start over. They have it easy in some senses and most definitely harder in others.
However, that's all beside the point. My actual reason for saying all of this is to point to the fact that I'm not a clean slate. Things happen and they are all there in a giant collage of my life. As I get older and I move to different areas of my life the collage just gets bigger.
The collage is the timeline called my life.
It's a book that's filled with the best of times, and the the deepest darkest moments of times. That's why it's a book. There are good and bad parts to every book I have ever read. That's what keeps you intrigued into reading more; because as you're reading through bad moments, you're subconsciously hoping that there is a happy ending to the story. Human beings crave happiness. They long for it, and if they can't reach self-fulfillment in their own life than they try and get a glimpse of it through other things like reading romance novels and by watching romantic comedies with a tissue box at their side.
So this timeline...this collage...this book. It's mine. I can't change it. I can't erase the unerasable. I can't forget the unforgettable.
So no, I refuse to be a blank slate.
I refuse to conform to the idea of choosing to see someone as invisible.
It's unrealistic and you will realize that within time, but for now, with my collage, and with my book, I choose to end the most difficult chapter thus far, and instead start a new one.
A fresh, clean, no expectations chapter.
In some ways it could be seen as a blank slate, but if you look under the surface you will realize that I couldn't start this chapter unless I read the one before it.
Excitement and happiness overwhelm me.
I'm enveloped in the security of the Lord. I never understood the feeling of security until the things that were heavily insecure in my life were lifted from me. Only now do I understand what that is. Never will I ever go back to feeling insecure. It's simply not worth it.
True security is only through the Lord Jesus Christ.
So here we are, here I am, writing to myself as a bystander that's reading a story of someone that I pretend not to know, when really I'm the one doing the reading and the writing. Some may say that this is pointless, however, I see it as physical evidence of my feelings and thoughts at one point in time of my life. Read if you wish, or discard if you do not wish. I won't be offended.
This is my story and I will write it in a way that is enjoyable for me to look back and read with a smile on my face at how ignorant, comical, and how deep my depth of thought was at a certain time.
These posts will be different from my last couple. It will be whatever I want it to be. So there you go. I answer your question by not giving you an answer.
Now you can't have a false expectation and therefore I can't disappoint you.
genius.
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